I'm Tired of Being Overweight

Musing on body image, weight, weight loss, and health

First off, don't tell me I'm not overweight. I am clinically obese according to the CDC Body Mass Index (BMI) calculator. I need to weigh under 185 to be in the healthy zone. I got close to that once, ten years ago. However, I slowly went back up, stayed flat, then hit a new high of nearly 260. This is nothing special or unique. Here is my graph, like so many weight logs:

I use MyFitnessPal to track exercise, weight, and what I eat.

The climb occurred because I achieved my goal and took the pressure off. Those ups and downs are why I was reluctant to write this article.

Is the current downward spike just that? A spike?

I'm trying to run again, going to the gym, and logging my calories. It is working for me, for now.

Food is My Drug, and More

This well-balanced Father’s Day brunch meal was perfect for my new healthy effort. But I wanted to eat three of them, and toast, and waffles. Looking at the picture now makes all sorts of neurons fire.

We all ingest substances to self-medicate. I count myself lucky that my drug of choice is food. When I stuff food in as fast as I can, my anxiety, sadness, or fear goes away. When I want to eat, it's less about hunger or boredom and more about the rush I get and the sleepy, contented feeling that follows. You have heard of a runner's high, I experience an eater's high.

The other unhealthy relationship I have with food is that I see eating something or somewhere special as a reward. Any accomplishment, celebration, or connection requires food. And then there is cooking. That satisfaction of creating and eating what I cook is something I crave.

In that big dip in the graph in 2015, I listened to the book "The End of Overeating." It helped me understand the science behind my addiction and recognize some of those urges that push me to reward myself or to self-medicate. What I learned there is helping me now.

Weight Should Be About Health, It Rarely Is

Talking about weight is such a tricky thing. I know this whole post is hard to read for some. It is so easy to open a wound that you don't even know is there. The emotional damage people carry inside them because of weight expectations is a real, deep, and often permanent pain. While our society makes calories affordable and attractive, we also fat shame and put unrealistic body types out there, especially for women. Even as a male, I still feel the stigma, and it drives me to eat more. I've seen the pain of those who struggle with eating disorders. But, avoiding those uncomfortable feelings doesn't help.

Where I've come to peace with myself on the topic is that it really is about health. I'm lucky because my health has always been good. But now, after thirty or so years of abusing that gift, my numbers are creeping up to right below the warning levels. So if I want to live another thirty-plus years, I need to treat my body better and deal with my food addiction.

We also now have an amazing pharmaceutical tool to help with the cravings. If this attempt to get things under control doesn't work, I'll give it a try. It has worked wonders for so many people I know.

Talking About it Helps?

Like any addiction, this is both a biological and a mental problem. Right now, my brain is craving that feeling, and my stomach is rumbling in protest. I don't know if I found my way, but I know my family and my friends support me now that I'm talking about it. So I guess sharing is a good thing.

I don't know. Because of all this thinking and feeling, I really want some ice cream.